life so far...

this awesomeness is by [rin] , Sunday, September 6, 2009 12:58 AM

It's 1.00am and I really should be sleeping.
It's raining - a nice, cooling weather.
However, I just had to check on my Steps downloading, so here I am in front of the laptop screen, yet again.
(So far it's downloaded 29%... 10 hours to go)

It's quiet 'coz everyone's asleep.
The pitter-patter of the rain is muffling all the usual night-time sounds - even the clacking of my keyboard sounds muted.
I wish I could just run out into the rain and stand out there, getting soaked through.
Enjoying the wetness and the cold droplets cascading down around me...

I chatted with Jazc and Markie just now.
Jazc; about BB nowadays and some personal thoughts...
It'll be kinda difficult for me to be promoted any further, I guess.
Because of so many things that's happened...
I've already lost my passion.
The fire I used to have - that warm, pure burning - has slowly become a dim glow.
The eagerness and excitement has turned into reluctance and, sometimes, boredom.
Today I told Jazc - I must've lost the fire long ago, but I've only come to realise it lately.
Ever since I ended my relationship with a certain someone, nothing much in BB matters anymore.
Involving myself in everything brings back all sorts of memories and dreams of what could be.
I've become so used to being in a relationship and having someone to share everything with, that I cannot stand being alone.
I just cannot get used to it.
Sometimes I slip in and out of depression when I can't talk to anyone about stuff that bothers me.
I simply don't have anyone I feel 100% comfortable with - enough to be my confidante.
I can't laden anyone with my personal burdens, either.
I've withdrawn within myself; my time is spent sleeping to escape the world.
In school, I read novels and have hundreds of ways to skip classes.
Studies are not important to me anymore - they mean nothing.

I don't miss him.
I cannot let myself miss someone who has caused me so much hurt and troubles in the past.
Even though I hope we can still remain friends, it really is an uphill battle.
No, I just miss the feeling of being loved.
Of knowing someone is always there for me, no matter what.
Someone who'll care about every minute detail of my life, right down to worrying whether I'm eating or not (A bad habit I've acquired).
Someone who'll always be by my side to comfort me when I'm facing storms and to cheer me on through obstacles.
Someone who'll laugh with me, cry with me and know me more than I know myself.

First love is always the sweetest, but when it ends, it is also one of the most bitter.

Nobody knows how I really am, inside.
The turmoil and mess.
The hopes and dreams.
The true me?

Markie said that I need a close friend, to trust and to cherish.
But I don't know of a person who can be as such to me.
He also said that I should slow down, take a break from everything and relax.
But how can I?

I just...
Don't know how to carry on walking at this crossroad, because I'm weary and tired and just wish to stop and have a rest.

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